| Wow, just figured out my password on here haha
so
kinda wanted to post this somewhere
It was an assignment for school. We were supposed to mimic Steinbeck's stream of consciousness that he uses in Grapes of Wrath. Its just from mind to paper, not much thought. so here it is...
Unrequited love;
the truest oxymoron of all. How can I
feel so much for him when he feels nothing of the sort towards me? It is hard, simply put. The closer you are, the more it hurts, the
more pain and suffering there is. But it
is necessary to just put on a smile and bear the pain, because if one does not
bear the pain, they will surely face disapproval from their friends. Peer pressure, another dreadful thing. If someone at school asks “How are you” you
never answer truthfully. “Oh, I’m fine,
except for the fact that I like another boy who has a girlfriend and I have no
chance in hell with him.” No,
unacceptable. One must answer “Oh, I’m fine” maybe “a little tired” or “feeling
a bit under the weather” but one never answers that they are “bad” (unless, of
course, they don’t feel the need to conform the social norm; how I envy those
people). When I think about it, I feel
like such a tool; a tool of the people who set the trends; a tool of the labels
who fuel the trends. I wear the label to
fit in; I wear the label so he’ll notice me.
But he doesn’t care. Why do I
strive for something that is truly unattainable? People often set their sights high when
making goals; however, it is useless to set a goal that one will never
reach. Why strive for something that I
will only continuously strive for, but never reach? I used to have hope, oh how sweet it
was. But I’m older now, and hopefully a
bit wiser, and I have given up all hope.
I have learned to just barely function, just to attain the bare minimum
in order to pass. Teachers try and push
me, but I push back, in the opposite direction.
I’m so tired of playing this silly game, playing the silly game of
“love”. I’m so young still; I haven’t
truly experienced love. The closest
thing is what I feel for him. I mean, in
my mind I would die for him, but if it came down to it I’m scared I would
falter. The worst part about my
situation is the fact that his girlfriend can’t treat him with respect. He’s such a sweet boy, maybe a bit immature,
but so sweet. She is so bright, but
she’s often cold towards him, and when she gives him attitude, it makes me want
to scream. But I can’t. The thing is
that they both know about my feelings, but they think it’s just a crush,
nothing more. But its more than a crush,
there isn’t a word to describe it.
Unrequited love is something inexplicable, and the words we have
assigned to name it are not adequate to describe what a strange feeling it is. It’s not just lust, because the attraction
isn’t solely physical. I can’t call it
love either though, because he has no feelings for me. I try to find songs that describe my
situation, and when I do they become my anthem.
I’ve shed tears over you before, although I’m a bit embarrassed to admit
it. Sometimes I feel like my feelings
are getting out of hand. But I don’t
know what to do. I could distance
myself, but that would hurt much more than the pain of being close but not
close enough. Being in this state of
limbo is inescapable, but something will eventually force us apart. I think it will be college, but I’ll still
harbor feelings for him. I’ll never
forget him, after all, I’ve known him for over five years. It is sad how I’ve begun to center my life
around him, around a person who does not center theirs around me. There is a phrase in Japanese that I like:
「君は僕の大切な人です。」Kimi wa boku no taisetsu na hito desu.
Literally translated it means you are my important person, but
“taisetsu” doesn’t just mean important.
It means that it’s something worth protecting; or someone. I long to protect him, to shelter him, to
love him, but it isn’t possible. It’s
not socially acceptable. I’m not sure he
would approve. The only thing I can do
is feed him, so I do. I made him
brownies on his birthday. He was so
happy to know that his birthday was remembered because its close to a major
holiday. I got him a scarf too. I wanted to make him a scarf but I messed up
when I started. I’m scared its obvious,
I’m scared he’ll know how much I feel.
But if he really knows, then I don’t know what I’d do. I think he’d get scared away, but I’m scared
to be broken. I already feel broken, but
I make do. I mend the wounds. They might come back tomorrow but I just mend
them over again. Sometimes I get
depressed over him, but I never take it out on myself. I’ll take a shower, take a walk, write a
poem, but I’d never physically hurt myself.
What’s the point? I’m in emotional pain, why should I put myself in
physical pain too? He’s made me feel
feelings that I haven’t felt before.
Unrequited love has wrenched my heart many times, but this is by far the
worst case I have come down with so far.
Its hard to find the correct path to follow in such a forest of
deceptions. If only he would understand
how I feel.
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